


What am I now?

by artsyleo



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Ben Mitchell Loves Callum "Halfway" Highway, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25092550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: It's a bad day.He supposes that's why he ends up sat in the kids playground, even though it's tipping it down. His hair's stuck to his face, and his uniform's almost soaked through just from the walk home, but he just- can't make himself move. Because he knows when he gets home, Ben's going to ask questions, like 'how was your day?' and 'what's it like being a paramedic?' and he just can't bear it-because he's lost his first patient today.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 47





	What am I now?

**Author's Note:**

> tw - implied self harm (canon compliant), very slight mention of death

It's a bad day.  
He supposes that's why he ends up sat in the kids playground, even though it's tipping it down. His hair's stuck to his face, and his uniform's almost soaked through just from the walk home, but he just- can't make himself move. Because he knows when he gets home, Ben's going to ask questions, like 'how was your day?' and 'what's it like being a paramedic?' and he just can't bear it-  
because he's lost his first patient today.  
He's two months into the job, so perhaps he's lucky that it's taken that long, but it still gets him. His partner, a much more experienced man, had told him that it was only normal to feel like that, but that doesn't help the fact that it feels like he could just fall apart right there, because he could have done more, he should have done more-  
It takes a while for him to register that he's hitting his fist against his leg. A part of him goes back to that moment in the same place, that moment that's years ago now but he's right back here, doing the same thing. It's a painful reminder that there's parts of him that he'll ignore to this day, parts of him that he's never told anyone about, even after all that him and Ben have been through. Sure, a lot has changed, and he's sat here for a different reason, but the point is, he's still doing it, and he still won't say a word. When he gets back home, he'll smile at Ben, tell him that his day was good, then wait for his boyfriend to fall asleep, because Ben doesn't need to worry about him, he's fine.

(He knows it must be getting bad, because he doesn't even believe that in his own head.)

His fist stops to rest against his thigh but there's still that pulsing, dull pain, as much as he tries to rub it away along with the shame that's starting to cloud his brain, because he shouldn't be like this, he shouldn't be here-

"Callum?"

His head shoots up, and he sees Lola half-running into the park, an umbrella that's almost falling apart over her head, along with a raincoat that's soaked through.  
"What the hell are you doing? You're gonna freeze!" She says, reaching out to pull Callum under the umbrella. She looks at Callum expectantly, as if waiting for some kind of reasonable explanation, but he has none. She must see the tiredness and panic in his eyes, because her expression drops it on one that's sympathetic, bordering on pitying, and links their arms together, pulling him off the swing.

"Let's get you home, yeah? Ben'll never let me hear the end of it if I let you catch a cold."

Callum acknowledges the way she's rubbing a gentle thumb over his arm the whole way back to the flat.  
-  
Something in him does at least feel a little guilty because Lola's come all this way in the rain, but mostly he's just grateful that someone familiar found him because he certainly hadn't planned on moving for long.  
Lola shakes out her umbrella before shutting the door to the flat, and letting out a sigh at the distinct change in temperature, which makes Callum realise just how uncomfortable he is.  
"Come on then," Lola says, stripping herself of her sodden coat. "Take your coat off and get yourself upstairs."  
She takes the dripping coat from him and then she's right behind him as he walks up the stairs because his legs are shaking dangerously right now, and he can't tell any more if its the cold or the thoughts swirling around his head.  
They find Ben curled around a pillow on the sofa, his eyes trained on some programme Callum doesn't understand on the TV. Lola taps his shoulder gently and he flinches a little. The momentary look of panic vanishes when he sees Lola stood in front of him, but something else that Callum is too tired to conclude clouds his face soon after.

"Found this one out in the rain," she says to Ben, who offers Lola a small smile in thanks when he understands what she's said, then walks straight Iver to Callum. He lays a hand on Callum's cheek, and *fuck,* his hands are so warm, and it's so nice after so long wandering in the cold. He nuzzles into Ben's hand, which seems to appease him somewhat.

"I'll warm him up myself," Ben tells Lola, his signature smirk crawling onto his face.

"Ew, at least wait till I've left," Lola says in reply. "I better get back to Lexi, look after yourselves."  
Lola offers Callum a reassuring smile, before turning back out of the door.

"What happened to you then, mister?" Ben says, running his hands through Callum's soaking hair. Callum just shrugs, words escaping him. "Let's get you out of those wet clothes then, yeah?"  
-  
"Callum, what's that?"  
Callum's half asleep when Ben talks again. It takes a minute for him to register what he says, and even longer for him to realise what he's referring to. He realises when he sees the concern on Ben's face, and the growing bruise on the outside of his thigh. He's hit with this sudden shame because *he never thought he'd get caught out*.   
"Nothin', Ben," he says, and Ben probably doesn't realise what he's said because his chin drops out of shame at the same time. Well it's fine, because it's probably a blatant lie anyway.   
"Callum-" Ben starts, and there's irritation-laced worry in his voice. "Did you do this to yourself?" 

Callum doesn't have an answer, maybe because he can't think of a lie quick enough, or maybe because there's something in him that doesn't want to lie any more.   
"Cal-"   
"I'm sorry," he says, rubbing his chest with a fist. "I'm really sorry, Ben-"   
"Hey, you don't need to apologise. It's not your fault," Ben says, even though it feels like he's got everything to apologise.   
"Are you mad at me?" Callum signs nervously, because he wouldn't even blame Ben if he was, but, *fuck*, it would hurt.   
Ben sighs. "No, no. Of course I'm not. I'm just sorry I couldn't be there- sorry I didn't know."   
"It's okay, not your fault," Callum sighs, and he's just so *tired*. Ben must notice, because he pushes Callum back into the bed, then walks around and climbs in the other side. Before Callum can stop him, he's pressing a tender kiss to the bruise. Tears come to Callum's eyes, but not because it hurts, but because he never thought he could be loved *this much*.   
Ben puts his head back on the pillow next to Callum's, and brushes a strand of hair out of Callum's eyes.   
"We're going to talk about this tomorrow. But for now - sleep," Ben says, pulling Callum's head onto his chest, where he can feel Ben's heartbeat. With that as his lullaby, he's asleep in minutes.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a bit of a thing for paramedic!callum so imma throw it in wherever I can  
> anyways, I've been rewatching ballum a lot recently, particularly affair era, and this fit with some prompts I got on tumblr so yeee hope you enjoyed!   
> Leo <3 (artsy-highway on tumblr)


End file.
